As New England Patriot fans sadly drag themselves to work this morning (and as the city of Philadelphia continues to burn to the ground in celebration), let’s take a look back at what really mattered: the glorious parade of geeky trailers that envisage the hours and hours of pleasure we’re going to spend in theaters in 2018.
Here is a list of the trailers, ranked by PHW preference (along with a few other stray thoughts):
SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY. Grade: A+
Absolute awesomeness. We loved the… Wait a minute. Han Solo was going to be a pilot for the Empire? WTF? No problem, though. There’s lots of Chewie, the Millenium Falcon, and the money shot: Donald Glover as a badass, young Lando Calrissian. This movie is going to be Force-a-licious. And why wouldn’t it be? It’s not as if director Ron Howard has never been to space before (“Rebel Base—we have a problem.”)
AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR. Grade: A
My only complaint is the same thing that I love about it—it’s too short. But then again, I’m already in Infinity War blackout. I don’t want to see, hear, or read anything else about it—I want everything in it to be a surprise. And this trailer had just enough imagery to get me excited. Thor with Rocket. Dr. Strange with Iron Man. Cap’s new shield. That’s enough!! Tell me no more.
JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM. Grade: A-
Such an exciting trailer—for a movie that I’ve seen four times already.
“We’re going to go hang out with dinosaurs!”
“No, don’t do that—the dinosaurs are going to eat people!” Dinosaurs then proceed to eat people. Still, the trailer promises lots of action, lots of adventure, and lots of Chris Pratt. And I admit that I wonder—what was that dinosaur doing in that little girl’s bedroom? Doesn’t matter. Four movies in, and not a single kid has gotten eaten yet. In the Jurassic World universe, if you’re a kid, you’re invincible. You can walk up to a T-Rex, slap the taste out of its mouth, make fun of his tiny arms, yank on its tail, and it still won’t eat you.
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE – FALLOUT. Grade: B
I’ve enjoyed the Mission: Impossible movies, although honestly, I can’t remember a single thing that happened in any of them. And this trailer promises more of the same. The title of this movie (and frankly, all of the MI movies) should be Mission Impossible – Hey, Look! Tom Cruise is Doing His Own Stunts Again!
SKYSCRAPER. Grade: B-
OK, we love Dwayne Johnson in pretty much anything. And this movie looks like a cross between Die Hard and The Towering Inferno. And we can respect that. And, apparently, the Rock’s character is going to do all of this on an artificial leg. OK, cool. But still—should someone tell the Rock that disaster films went out in the 70s? I’m not going to say it to his face, though. You go ahead and do it.
BLACK SCREEN: Grade: C-
So the Patriots kick a field goal, Al Michaels throws it to a commercial, I’m waiting in breathless anticipation for another trailer, and the screen goes black for 30 seconds. Hmm. If that’s a spot for a movie, I don’t get it. Plot looks dull, direction is awful, and the camera work is sub-par. Still, it was better than…
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR, WANTS YOU TO BUY A TRUCK. Grade: F-
It’s nice to know that if Dr. King had lived, he would have had a way to make a few bucks. “I have a dream, a dream that I can put you behind the wheel of this Dodge Ram!” One of America’s great moral leaders and most stirring orators certainly would have had you driving off the lot with everything, including the extended warranty and the rust-proof undercoating. If there was one commercial that brought America together (by getting them to ask, “Did they really just use Martin Luther King, Jr. in a freaking truck commercial?!”) it was this one.
What was your favorite Super Bowl movie trailer? Tell us in the comments.